We are bombarded with statements of what motherhood looks like from every direction. When you are a first time mom and you don’t resonate with those societal norms you begin to feel like something is wrong with you. We take it so far as to call ourselves a ‘bad mom’
You are not a Bad Mom
Everything began for me during my second trimester with my first daughter. I began to relive triggers that I couldn’t explain. The changes in my body were sending distress signals to my brain as if I were in danger. This was the first time in my marriage I realized how much the past sexual abuse was woven into our daily lives. We chose to allow the labor and delivery process to be an intimate connection between the two of us to try and bring new found healing. This is a blog for another day, but man oh man did that first birth together bring so much healing to our marriage. However, this ‘instant love connection’ with this new life I just brought into the world was missing.
What is wrong with me!?
The ability to nurse came easily for me and our new little Schafer. But the physical act was extremely difficult and triggering. She felt it too. From that first nursing session until about 3 months later, she would nurse when she HAD to and then kick away from me as soon as she could. Dad was the only one who could console her. In fact, for the first 7 hours of her life she didn’t want anything to do with me. She would SCREAM until my husband would take her close to his chest. THEY had the instant bond I was being promised from all the mommy blogs. If I am being honest, the main thoughts those days for me were “well, she already hates me.” “Clearly there is something wrong with me.” “I am just not cut out to be one of those nurturing mothers.” Everything began to change when I realized I was associating my feelings of the past with her. When in reality, she is the future.
She is MY future.
Disconnecting my past from this new sweet life started a whole new journey of healing. It took about 3 years to fully repair our relationship, but she is such a treasure to me. I still hate that we had to go through that together in order for me to begin healing. Instead of allowing the past sexual abuse to win again and steal more from me, I am choosing to be thankful for this amazing little teacher that continues to show me how to live for the future and not the past.
What about you?
What triggers came up for you during your journey into motherhood?
Have you found the path to healing?
Do you need help moving from Captive to Captivated? Join our community, we are here to support and encourage you. You can find peace in motherhood after Sexual Abuse.
