Captive To Captivated

Captive To Captivated

Jun 5, 2019 | Uncategorized

 There is life on the other side. And it is so good.  Only YOU can decide if you want to make this change. You do not need to be held captive any longer.

You, my dear, are on your way to becoming captivated. 

 

Do you remember that dream you had that one time? You know the one. Its stuffed deep down inside you, not only forgotten but basically disappearing under the years of neglect and fear being piled on top of it. Yeah, that one. Lets dig it out, begin to dust off the fear and start unpacking the lies. You were designed to be great. Yes, you!

 

If you were given a passion, there is a part of you that knows you can accomplish it.  The dream you have can and will be reality. Lets work on it together.

 

What Can you do today?

 

  1. Email me that dream. For real. What is it? Write it out and send it over.
  2. Start to tell everyone around you about this dream
  3. Find others who have done or are doing something similar and begin hanging out with them. This sounds daunting, but you will be SO surprised how many people in ANY industry are willing to sit down for a cup of coffee and give you all the mistakes they made and pour advice into you for how you can succeed without those same mistakes under your belt or out of your wallet.
  4. Name the lies. Name them all. Write them out. Here is an abbreviated list to get you started:
  • You don’t have the knowledge or credentials to do something in that industry
  • Money doesn’t just show up to fund your dream. Its financially impossible.
  • No one wants to hear what you have to say.
  • Its too hard. The work you put forth is effort wasted. Its better to play it safe.

 

 

I’m sitting in this hotel room trying to figure out which way this whole thing is going to turn out. I am a planner. I want to know what the “next step” is. Where am I going? Should I even be considering this. What happens if I lay it all out and people just nod and walk away uncomfortable. Or worse, try to put a heavy awkward empathetic hand on my shoulder as they tilt their head slightly,  purse their lips, take a deep breath and just sigh through their nose. UGH. that Sigh. It’s the obvious sign to me that I have accidentally overshared again. Wait, it wasn’t REALLY an accident. You were standing near by, something happened that reminded me of that one time, so you are welcome for the story. The story that shapes me. The story that sends others realing into disbelief that THAT could happen. HERE? To YOU?

Shame is a funny thing. The hot humiliation that floods over me after I realize my story has made this other human uncomfortable. Why are you uncomfortable? Is it because you too have experienced something similar? Is it because you think your story doesn’t affect you so you find no reason to ‘bring it up.’  “he doesn’t hold power of me!” “It doesn’t even bother me anymore” The breakthroughs that I have accomplished over the past 15 years are incredible. But when I see someone who looks like him, my body is overwhelmed with a fear that is irrational. You know that feeling when you see a cop while driving on the road? You aren’t even doing anything wrong! Yet you flood with fear of being caught. Exposed.

Fear is a liar.

I am here to bring shame to the real lie. Expose all that is holding us back from true healing. You can be free. What are some lies that you are told or believe about your story?

 

Motherhood After Sexual Abuse

May 12, 2019 | Uncategorized

We are bombarded with statements of what motherhood looks like from every direction. When you are a first time mom and you don’t resonate with those societal norms you begin to feel like something is wrong with you. We take it so far as to call ourselves a ‘bad mom’

 

You are not a Bad Mom

Everything began for me during my second trimester with my first daughter. I began to relive triggers that I couldn’t explain. The changes in my body were sending distress signals to my brain as if I were in danger. This was the first time in my marriage I realized how much the past sexual abuse was woven into our daily lives. We chose to allow the labor and delivery process to be an intimate connection between the two of us to try and bring new found healing. This is a blog for another day, but man oh man did that first birth together bring so much healing to our marriage. However, this ‘instant love connection’ with this new life I just brought into the world was missing. 

 

What is wrong with me!?

 

The ability to nurse came easily for me and our new little Schafer. But the physical act was extremely difficult and triggering. She felt it too. From that first nursing session until about 3 months later, she would nurse when she HAD to and then kick away from me as soon as she could. Dad was the only one who could console her. In fact, for the first 7 hours of her life she didn’t want anything to do with me. She would SCREAM until my husband would take her close to his chest. THEY had the instant bond I was being promised from all the mommy blogs. If I am being honest, the main thoughts those days for me were “well, she already hates me.” “Clearly there is something wrong with me.” “I am just not cut out to be one of those nurturing mothers.”  Everything began to change when I realized I was associating my feelings of the past with her. When in reality, she is the future.

 

She is MY future.

 

 

Disconnecting my past from this new sweet life started a whole new journey of healing. It took about 3 years to fully repair our relationship, but she is such a treasure to me. I still hate that we had to go through that together in order for me to begin healing. Instead of allowing the past sexual abuse to win again and steal more from me, I am choosing to be thankful for this amazing little teacher that continues to show me how to live for the future and not the past.

 

What about you?

 

What triggers came up for you during your journey into motherhood?

Have you found the path to healing?

Do you need help moving from Captive to Captivated? Join our community, we are here to support and encourage you. You can find peace in motherhood after Sexual Abuse.